My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Randomize
