Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
if only i could text you this smell
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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