There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
