i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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