the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
