I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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