Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
