Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
