I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
