i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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