We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
