It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
