Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
