I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
