My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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