ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
