where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
