Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
