Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
