Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
