I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Randomize
