guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
