I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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