i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I could have mohawked her pubes.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
