My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
