I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
