he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
