No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
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