kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Randomize
