Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
