Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
