dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
