Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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