just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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