It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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