Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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