i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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