1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
