chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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