I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
