If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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