; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
