Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize