its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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