I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
