I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
