I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
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