I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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