now i know why i became what i already was.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
