You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
