This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
