Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
