I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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