I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
