The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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