I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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