the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I have feelings that need drinking.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
